it's not you it's me

At the moment there are so many thoughts going through this head of mine. I have trust issues and major body issues.
I haven't slept in weeks, I'm exhausted and I'm broken, damaged, confused and I don't quite know how to lift my head and move on.
As I sit here writing this my baby whom should be growing and moving around inside me is resting on my bed side table with a photo of my dearest friend guarding her.
right now I have so much to be thankful for, my kids my husband and my friends but why isn't this enough? is it that I am so blinded by the guilt and grief that all I see is the loss rather than what's right in front of me?
I don't know how much more of this I can handle, the empty feeling is killing me. But the missing the real me and the making others feel down and cautious around me is also hurting. How do I fix this? is there actually an answer? it's not as simple as telling me "stop feeling sorry for yourself" I don't feel sorry for myself I just hate myself. I hate what I have become. I worked so hard for so many years to build the confidence up and to be strong and not let people bring me down. I worked so hard to let my husband be able to touch me without clothes on and I worked hard to not cling to people but all that seems to have just been knocked down and now I'm right back at the beginning.
I just want my baby back. but I guess it comes down to what I want and what I get are two different things.

kelly maree

It's almost been 2 years since you left us, I tell you it feels like a lifetime. Whoever came up with the idea that time heals a broken heart is an idot because it doesn't.  Time just means its been longer since I saw you, longer since we had an amazing conversation and even longer since I hugged you. I have only just started in the last 9 months to learn how to talk to people and be honest about how I am really feeling. Its been 2 years since we did that I didn't realise how hard it's really been. And you can find new people and try to move forward and somedays I wish I could forget so that the pain would go away. but they aren't you and they will never be you that doesnt mean they aren't amazing just means they aren't you. And I would do anything to spend one day or an hour or even a minute with you so I could say good bye and say I'm sorry for not being a better friend. We could have tried so much harder to see eachother even if we were both always busy. And I could have gone first we both wanted to get that surgery and I told you to go first because hospitals and drs and operations absolutely scare the shit out of me. You were going in first to prove to me that its easy and simple and nothing will happen. But it wasn't easy or simple it was hell in there it makes me so dam angry and it's taken me 2 years to finally try and get all this out.
I was sad but now I'm just angry and pissed off that there are still no answers..
I miss you so much and I wish you were still here. Man the stories I could tell you now! Ha you would totally laugh your arse off!

Friendships

The last 6 months have been somewhat challenging, In January I found out i was pregnant and amongst all that I began to develop a new friendship a friendship that is not only testing at times but also unconditional, We've bonded over Keith urban and had arguments over a few things , This friendship has tested my mind to no end,.
I've spent many sleepless nights wide awake trying to analyse it and tried to see where we are headed are we strong enough to last the mile? or will it end like all the other friendships I've had. my answer to this was realised today when having a really important conversation.
I myself come with major baggage: I don't trust and often do not feel like i am good enough to be anyone's friend especially when i have trouble putting my trust in someone. no matter where i end up people always walk out and leave so i find it easier to just keep to myself that way i don't get hurt.
 I am insecure and extremely paranoid I worry at the drop of the hat and I often over analyse situations. however If i love you I love with my whole heart.

I've found myself subconsciously testing the friendship and it's boundaries and realising that I can test all i like because this person doesn't budge she holds her ground firmly and kicks me up the butt when it's needed. and it's funny how one person can have such a big impact on your life in such a short time.

I've never really trusted someone as soon as I've met them but this person is different and my kids picked her out long before i did. I'd been traveling the same road for years and always passed her and waved but whenever my kids saw her car they'd be so excited and literally i believe they knew she would be awesome and they were right. So trust your kids instincts they are a better judge than you think!

I have only actually realised in the last few hours just how special and amazing this friendship is . Yes i knew right from the beginning that this was a good thing but it wasn't until we disagreed on certain issues and argued that I now believe 100% that this is forever. You know you have a good thing when you can argue and be fine the next day, that no matter what happens you will get through it. and i am amazed that having an argument has made me realise that the friendship is true and that i need to not test it and go with it.  I always steer clear of confrontation I back down and give in and say yep you're right even if I think you're not. I do not have the heart or mindset to fight people because fighting ends badly and people walk out telling someone they were right was always far easier than fighting them. Because even when I try to fight or argue I lose out and they walk away so why bother ?  . However this time it was different because I wasn't going to lose out I wasn't going to let her walk away I have grabbed this person with both hands and ran! I'm keeping her.

So I guess what led me to want to write this? A conversation we had today about loving people and feeling loved. I realised that people show their love in different ways and I know I will continue to struggle with this it's not something that's going to go away in a day. . Someone can tell you they love you but it doesn't mean they do. Someone can never tell you they love you but show you in other ways, this for me is hard to swallow because I've had to sit back and analyse certain people and it doesn't really make me feel any better. well that's a lie it does but it's not there i can't really see it especially in the people i thought loved me. but in this circumstance i do, and it's a good lesson to learn so i am thankful for that.

I am so thankful every single day and I realised today that we are in for the long haul we will go that extra mile and it's exciting knowing that life doesn't have to be done feeling lonely. yes i have an amazing husband, kids and foster family and i love them all madly but there was always something missing. my life was full on but there were far too many skeleton's in the closet and now they can come out, they can be talked about and laughed about and even fought about if it needs to happen. I just pray to the god's that i can be the friend she needs too, To me there's nothing more awesome than feeling needed and loved, I need to be loved it's how i will thrive and be able  to be the best i can be why? I can't answer that.. maybe it comes from being a kid and not feeling that loving vibe.

so to my friend I love you to the moon and back x a million!

insomnia, anxiety and me

Insomnia, or sleeplessness, is a sleep disorder in which there is an inability to fall asleep or to stay asleep as long as desired.[1][2] While the term is sometimes used to describe a disorder demonstrated by polysomnographic evidence of disturbed sleep, insomnia is often practically defined as a positive response to either of two questions: "Do you experience difficulty sleeping?" or "Do you have difficulty falling or staying asleep?"

That is the question I find myself asking at 12:41 am approximately 3 hours and 41 minutes since I went to bed.. do I have trouble falling asleep or do I have trouble sleeping? Well what the hell is the difference when I can neither fall asleep so essentially I cannot stay asleep if I  can't fall asleep.. I wish I could god knows I need it. With an overactive brain like mine it requires sleep or it just becomes mush.

So what causes my inability to sleep? That is a good question one I cannot answer.
It just sucks hardcore and should seriously bugger off because I need sleep you do not want me in bitch mode!

Anxiety.. well google it there's plenty of definitions.. for me it generally happens when I have an argument with someone or I'm scared of losing them or basically anything can set it off. Sometimes eating the wrong thing or going over my calorie intake can set it off. It's fairly crap but it's definitely not the worst thing that can happen.
It's almost like you have to live with another person. On one hand I am bright and bubbly and fairly social (in my own crowd) and on another I struggle to believe what people say. And I cannot for the life of me trust anyone , and I have touble with making the right friendships and infact generally I just don't make friends  and some days despite having so much to be thankful for I get depressed.

When someone tells you "it's all in your head" it's not it's not as easy to switch off as they say. When someone says "no way dont think like that" you feel awful for thinking that way buy you don't stop thinking that way. and having these issues especially the anxiety and the depression it's nothing to be ashamed of and not something that should be ignored either. and here i am saying all this when i struggle with it myself. The thing is I know where my issues are and i know where they come from what i do to fix it is up to me.

My beautiful angel

8:45am
I arrive at the hospital to be induced for labour the dr comes in with the nurse and explains the process, My husband is here but I don't want him here i don't want to do this with him here, i don't want to be the one who has to watch his heart break because i as a mother cannot give him what he wants. this is our baby but the baby he so madly wanted, I did not, I took ages to be ok with being pregnant but he was on it to begin with to be a dad again is all that he wanted. not only that but he isn't overly helpful in birthing. he spent most of xavier's birth on the phone, it didn't help i was a bitch and told him to eff off! I want my friends the ones i don't have to dissapoint by giving birth the one in particular who will help me not look at me with sad eyes and make me feel guilty.

so the mask goes on and i just go with it, I knew what my destiny for today was I just didn't know when it would end. by lunch time these pains are getting really horrible, I've had 6 tablets 2 internally and 4 orally, and as much as i want it to be over I also want it to last forever so i can keep you inside me. your beautiful life will no longer be inside me and i can no longer do my job as a parent to protect you. what did i do to deserve to lose you? I've done everything I'm suppose to do. I didn't eat anything wrong i exercised and i rested when i needed too not only that but why do i have to lose you now? what do i do when you are here? what will you look like? This is just beyond fair.

It's now 2pm and i decide to take the drugs the pain is horrid and no one should have to do this. this is just shit I am still alone but I want to be unless she is here with me. di tells me she thinks 5:30 will be your time which means only 3 1/2 hours to go, it is a lovely day out there the sun is out and sitting in this chair is amazing if i wasn't giving birth to a baby i can't take home i'd almost be feeling warm fuzzies. i try messaging di to pass the time but she's busy with my kids, the woman is super woman! looking after my 3 plus hers! well mine will be there after school.
The pains are comming thick and fast and I've never been to the loo so many times in such a short while. the nurse keeps coming in but she is pregnant i haven't asked her how far but i suspect about 25 weeks, It's just a kick in the guts, There's a lady down the hall who has a newborn baby boy and he is so little and precious. they just came in telling me that i look great for someone who has just had a baby is the baby sleeping? i got up and said no my baby is dead and i got up and went back to my room, It's not their fault they weren't to know i still look pregnant but it just brings it home that you are dead you're gone i can't keep you and i just want this over with.

it's just after 4 and daniel is back he is sitting in the chair while i sit here typing this, I took a break to try and sleep through the pain, I've had the dr back in and had more tablets, it's getting closer to 5:30 and im dead set believing she is right and you will be here and i will be able to see you and what you look like, If you look like a boy of if you are a girl, do you look like anyone or will you look all red?
we start discussing names but i've already decided what your name will be, and frankly i don't care what daniel thinks Louise will be your name, I know you will be a girl, and you will be named after the most beautiful person i know. we've only been friends for a few months but they have been the funnest few months of my life, we officially bonded over keith urban on the 4th of feb! our first road trip home was that night and thats when the amazing began. I'd tried to be her friend for years but i thought she was a clicky mum well how wrong was I? not only was she not clicky but she was and is funny and amazing and all kinds of warm fuzzyness, my kids were onto her before i was.. for years we'd see her car and they'd yell out "that's lachy's mum"

 I've had friends on and off through my life and a couple of best friends 2 whom have passed away and one i love no end! but this friendship is something amazing it's out of this world, I find it hard to trust people and tell them my actual thoughts and i don't let the mask off! behind this happy bubbily face is damaged and insecure goods.. I don't sleep much, I have night mares I don't talk about how I'm really feeling i hide it. I struggle to make friends because i believe like everyone else they will give up and walk away and i'll be back to the lonely boring old me,. well Not anymore... that lonely ship has sailed... that sad me the one who doesn't tell you how i'm really feeling? can finally be let out because i now can tell someone I'm fine but they will see right through it and sometimes this will be a bad thing but mostly it will be good. I find myself thinking life just couldn't get much better (well that was until yesterday!) friendships are hard to hold on to. especially for me but this one is a keeper! your name will have meaning! your life may be about to be cut short but your name will forever have meaning and no matter what happens in the future she will always be apart of my heart through you always, what we have is special, you just don't find many people in your life you can talk everything to! I have so much to say but that can wait today is not the right day to say everything, But i will write it and write it and tell the world how amazing we are!
i am going for a bit and will come back soon. it's 4:45 and i need the loo again..


it's 6pm and at 5:05pm whilst talking to my friend I lost you, you were born into this world, you fit in my hands so tiny and although you were all red and lifeless you were perfect, you had ten fingers and ten toes your feet we the size of two of my finger nails. your hands we on your belly and your tiny tiny fingers were just so perfect, and your eyes were just starting to open and they were blue. although you were so tiny you looked exactly like your brother i can so see what a beautiful girl you would have been had you been given the chance to grow. a little blue eyed blond curly haired little girl with attitude to boot! you were tiny but so precious i just wish you were still inside me fluttering around and so i can protect you.

 You were born the way you were meant to be, far to precious for this world you were needed somewhere else, so in just a little while I will be walking out of the hospital no longer pregnant and no longer able to protect you. I don't know what hurts the most, that i can no longer protect you or that i failed doing so. why did you have to leave? what did i do to lose you? i will leave it at this as i need to get ready to leave. but i will be back to finish what i started!

Louise jacquin

well today (23rd of april) i made my way to the leongatha drs with my beautiful friend just for what i thought would be a general check up. only when we got there i was called in and began my check up sue asked me how i was going and at that point i was feeling great. I could eat and drink and last week i had felt you move for the first time. we decided we would take a look at you only to discover we couldn't find your heart beat, so i got sent up to the hospital for an urgent ultrasound, i knew that moment that you were gone and that there was nothing i could do to get you back, but i put my feelings on hold and put the mask ok, I'm pretty sure my friend saw straight through it, we tried to pass the time by having a cuppa but i just had my mind on that empty feeling i already felt, that hour we waited seriously! the longest hour i've ever had to wait.

So The sonographer call's my name and i hop up on the bed watch the screen turn on and at first it's playing up but finally comes through, I watch and pray and hope that you're little heart is still beating, i see the heart beat page come up and the ticker goes across the screen and i can see that you have no heart beat, no amount of words can beging to explain the instant pain i felt, Like a part of my heart had broken in to pieces and burnt never to be put back again, and that's when we knew you were gone, I am just thankful that my friend was with me, had she have not been there i just don't know what i would have done, my world that was finally perfect fell apart but she was there to hold me up and get me home.

and so began the long and painful journey of giving birth to you,