My beautiful angel

8:45am
I arrive at the hospital to be induced for labour the dr comes in with the nurse and explains the process, My husband is here but I don't want him here i don't want to do this with him here, i don't want to be the one who has to watch his heart break because i as a mother cannot give him what he wants. this is our baby but the baby he so madly wanted, I did not, I took ages to be ok with being pregnant but he was on it to begin with to be a dad again is all that he wanted. not only that but he isn't overly helpful in birthing. he spent most of xavier's birth on the phone, it didn't help i was a bitch and told him to eff off! I want my friends the ones i don't have to dissapoint by giving birth the one in particular who will help me not look at me with sad eyes and make me feel guilty.

so the mask goes on and i just go with it, I knew what my destiny for today was I just didn't know when it would end. by lunch time these pains are getting really horrible, I've had 6 tablets 2 internally and 4 orally, and as much as i want it to be over I also want it to last forever so i can keep you inside me. your beautiful life will no longer be inside me and i can no longer do my job as a parent to protect you. what did i do to deserve to lose you? I've done everything I'm suppose to do. I didn't eat anything wrong i exercised and i rested when i needed too not only that but why do i have to lose you now? what do i do when you are here? what will you look like? This is just beyond fair.

It's now 2pm and i decide to take the drugs the pain is horrid and no one should have to do this. this is just shit I am still alone but I want to be unless she is here with me. di tells me she thinks 5:30 will be your time which means only 3 1/2 hours to go, it is a lovely day out there the sun is out and sitting in this chair is amazing if i wasn't giving birth to a baby i can't take home i'd almost be feeling warm fuzzies. i try messaging di to pass the time but she's busy with my kids, the woman is super woman! looking after my 3 plus hers! well mine will be there after school.
The pains are comming thick and fast and I've never been to the loo so many times in such a short while. the nurse keeps coming in but she is pregnant i haven't asked her how far but i suspect about 25 weeks, It's just a kick in the guts, There's a lady down the hall who has a newborn baby boy and he is so little and precious. they just came in telling me that i look great for someone who has just had a baby is the baby sleeping? i got up and said no my baby is dead and i got up and went back to my room, It's not their fault they weren't to know i still look pregnant but it just brings it home that you are dead you're gone i can't keep you and i just want this over with.

it's just after 4 and daniel is back he is sitting in the chair while i sit here typing this, I took a break to try and sleep through the pain, I've had the dr back in and had more tablets, it's getting closer to 5:30 and im dead set believing she is right and you will be here and i will be able to see you and what you look like, If you look like a boy of if you are a girl, do you look like anyone or will you look all red?
we start discussing names but i've already decided what your name will be, and frankly i don't care what daniel thinks Louise will be your name, I know you will be a girl, and you will be named after the most beautiful person i know. we've only been friends for a few months but they have been the funnest few months of my life, we officially bonded over keith urban on the 4th of feb! our first road trip home was that night and thats when the amazing began. I'd tried to be her friend for years but i thought she was a clicky mum well how wrong was I? not only was she not clicky but she was and is funny and amazing and all kinds of warm fuzzyness, my kids were onto her before i was.. for years we'd see her car and they'd yell out "that's lachy's mum"

 I've had friends on and off through my life and a couple of best friends 2 whom have passed away and one i love no end! but this friendship is something amazing it's out of this world, I find it hard to trust people and tell them my actual thoughts and i don't let the mask off! behind this happy bubbily face is damaged and insecure goods.. I don't sleep much, I have night mares I don't talk about how I'm really feeling i hide it. I struggle to make friends because i believe like everyone else they will give up and walk away and i'll be back to the lonely boring old me,. well Not anymore... that lonely ship has sailed... that sad me the one who doesn't tell you how i'm really feeling? can finally be let out because i now can tell someone I'm fine but they will see right through it and sometimes this will be a bad thing but mostly it will be good. I find myself thinking life just couldn't get much better (well that was until yesterday!) friendships are hard to hold on to. especially for me but this one is a keeper! your name will have meaning! your life may be about to be cut short but your name will forever have meaning and no matter what happens in the future she will always be apart of my heart through you always, what we have is special, you just don't find many people in your life you can talk everything to! I have so much to say but that can wait today is not the right day to say everything, But i will write it and write it and tell the world how amazing we are!
i am going for a bit and will come back soon. it's 4:45 and i need the loo again..


it's 6pm and at 5:05pm whilst talking to my friend I lost you, you were born into this world, you fit in my hands so tiny and although you were all red and lifeless you were perfect, you had ten fingers and ten toes your feet we the size of two of my finger nails. your hands we on your belly and your tiny tiny fingers were just so perfect, and your eyes were just starting to open and they were blue. although you were so tiny you looked exactly like your brother i can so see what a beautiful girl you would have been had you been given the chance to grow. a little blue eyed blond curly haired little girl with attitude to boot! you were tiny but so precious i just wish you were still inside me fluttering around and so i can protect you.

 You were born the way you were meant to be, far to precious for this world you were needed somewhere else, so in just a little while I will be walking out of the hospital no longer pregnant and no longer able to protect you. I don't know what hurts the most, that i can no longer protect you or that i failed doing so. why did you have to leave? what did i do to lose you? i will leave it at this as i need to get ready to leave. but i will be back to finish what i started!