kelly maree

It's almost been 2 years since you left us, I tell you it feels like a lifetime. Whoever came up with the idea that time heals a broken heart is an idot because it doesn't.  Time just means its been longer since I saw you, longer since we had an amazing conversation and even longer since I hugged you. I have only just started in the last 9 months to learn how to talk to people and be honest about how I am really feeling. Its been 2 years since we did that I didn't realise how hard it's really been. And you can find new people and try to move forward and somedays I wish I could forget so that the pain would go away. but they aren't you and they will never be you that doesnt mean they aren't amazing just means they aren't you. And I would do anything to spend one day or an hour or even a minute with you so I could say good bye and say I'm sorry for not being a better friend. We could have tried so much harder to see eachother even if we were both always busy. And I could have gone first we both wanted to get that surgery and I told you to go first because hospitals and drs and operations absolutely scare the shit out of me. You were going in first to prove to me that its easy and simple and nothing will happen. But it wasn't easy or simple it was hell in there it makes me so dam angry and it's taken me 2 years to finally try and get all this out.
I was sad but now I'm just angry and pissed off that there are still no answers..
I miss you so much and I wish you were still here. Man the stories I could tell you now! Ha you would totally laugh your arse off!

Friendships

The last 6 months have been somewhat challenging, In January I found out i was pregnant and amongst all that I began to develop a new friendship a friendship that is not only testing at times but also unconditional, We've bonded over Keith urban and had arguments over a few things , This friendship has tested my mind to no end,.
I've spent many sleepless nights wide awake trying to analyse it and tried to see where we are headed are we strong enough to last the mile? or will it end like all the other friendships I've had. my answer to this was realised today when having a really important conversation.
I myself come with major baggage: I don't trust and often do not feel like i am good enough to be anyone's friend especially when i have trouble putting my trust in someone. no matter where i end up people always walk out and leave so i find it easier to just keep to myself that way i don't get hurt.
 I am insecure and extremely paranoid I worry at the drop of the hat and I often over analyse situations. however If i love you I love with my whole heart.

I've found myself subconsciously testing the friendship and it's boundaries and realising that I can test all i like because this person doesn't budge she holds her ground firmly and kicks me up the butt when it's needed. and it's funny how one person can have such a big impact on your life in such a short time.

I've never really trusted someone as soon as I've met them but this person is different and my kids picked her out long before i did. I'd been traveling the same road for years and always passed her and waved but whenever my kids saw her car they'd be so excited and literally i believe they knew she would be awesome and they were right. So trust your kids instincts they are a better judge than you think!

I have only actually realised in the last few hours just how special and amazing this friendship is . Yes i knew right from the beginning that this was a good thing but it wasn't until we disagreed on certain issues and argued that I now believe 100% that this is forever. You know you have a good thing when you can argue and be fine the next day, that no matter what happens you will get through it. and i am amazed that having an argument has made me realise that the friendship is true and that i need to not test it and go with it.  I always steer clear of confrontation I back down and give in and say yep you're right even if I think you're not. I do not have the heart or mindset to fight people because fighting ends badly and people walk out telling someone they were right was always far easier than fighting them. Because even when I try to fight or argue I lose out and they walk away so why bother ?  . However this time it was different because I wasn't going to lose out I wasn't going to let her walk away I have grabbed this person with both hands and ran! I'm keeping her.

So I guess what led me to want to write this? A conversation we had today about loving people and feeling loved. I realised that people show their love in different ways and I know I will continue to struggle with this it's not something that's going to go away in a day. . Someone can tell you they love you but it doesn't mean they do. Someone can never tell you they love you but show you in other ways, this for me is hard to swallow because I've had to sit back and analyse certain people and it doesn't really make me feel any better. well that's a lie it does but it's not there i can't really see it especially in the people i thought loved me. but in this circumstance i do, and it's a good lesson to learn so i am thankful for that.

I am so thankful every single day and I realised today that we are in for the long haul we will go that extra mile and it's exciting knowing that life doesn't have to be done feeling lonely. yes i have an amazing husband, kids and foster family and i love them all madly but there was always something missing. my life was full on but there were far too many skeleton's in the closet and now they can come out, they can be talked about and laughed about and even fought about if it needs to happen. I just pray to the god's that i can be the friend she needs too, To me there's nothing more awesome than feeling needed and loved, I need to be loved it's how i will thrive and be able  to be the best i can be why? I can't answer that.. maybe it comes from being a kid and not feeling that loving vibe.

so to my friend I love you to the moon and back x a million!

insomnia, anxiety and me

Insomnia, or sleeplessness, is a sleep disorder in which there is an inability to fall asleep or to stay asleep as long as desired.[1][2] While the term is sometimes used to describe a disorder demonstrated by polysomnographic evidence of disturbed sleep, insomnia is often practically defined as a positive response to either of two questions: "Do you experience difficulty sleeping?" or "Do you have difficulty falling or staying asleep?"

That is the question I find myself asking at 12:41 am approximately 3 hours and 41 minutes since I went to bed.. do I have trouble falling asleep or do I have trouble sleeping? Well what the hell is the difference when I can neither fall asleep so essentially I cannot stay asleep if I  can't fall asleep.. I wish I could god knows I need it. With an overactive brain like mine it requires sleep or it just becomes mush.

So what causes my inability to sleep? That is a good question one I cannot answer.
It just sucks hardcore and should seriously bugger off because I need sleep you do not want me in bitch mode!

Anxiety.. well google it there's plenty of definitions.. for me it generally happens when I have an argument with someone or I'm scared of losing them or basically anything can set it off. Sometimes eating the wrong thing or going over my calorie intake can set it off. It's fairly crap but it's definitely not the worst thing that can happen.
It's almost like you have to live with another person. On one hand I am bright and bubbly and fairly social (in my own crowd) and on another I struggle to believe what people say. And I cannot for the life of me trust anyone , and I have touble with making the right friendships and infact generally I just don't make friends  and some days despite having so much to be thankful for I get depressed.

When someone tells you "it's all in your head" it's not it's not as easy to switch off as they say. When someone says "no way dont think like that" you feel awful for thinking that way buy you don't stop thinking that way. and having these issues especially the anxiety and the depression it's nothing to be ashamed of and not something that should be ignored either. and here i am saying all this when i struggle with it myself. The thing is I know where my issues are and i know where they come from what i do to fix it is up to me.