Friendships

The last 6 months have been somewhat challenging, In January I found out i was pregnant and amongst all that I began to develop a new friendship a friendship that is not only testing at times but also unconditional, We've bonded over Keith urban and had arguments over a few things , This friendship has tested my mind to no end,.
I've spent many sleepless nights wide awake trying to analyse it and tried to see where we are headed are we strong enough to last the mile? or will it end like all the other friendships I've had. my answer to this was realised today when having a really important conversation.
I myself come with major baggage: I don't trust and often do not feel like i am good enough to be anyone's friend especially when i have trouble putting my trust in someone. no matter where i end up people always walk out and leave so i find it easier to just keep to myself that way i don't get hurt.
 I am insecure and extremely paranoid I worry at the drop of the hat and I often over analyse situations. however If i love you I love with my whole heart.

I've found myself subconsciously testing the friendship and it's boundaries and realising that I can test all i like because this person doesn't budge she holds her ground firmly and kicks me up the butt when it's needed. and it's funny how one person can have such a big impact on your life in such a short time.

I've never really trusted someone as soon as I've met them but this person is different and my kids picked her out long before i did. I'd been traveling the same road for years and always passed her and waved but whenever my kids saw her car they'd be so excited and literally i believe they knew she would be awesome and they were right. So trust your kids instincts they are a better judge than you think!

I have only actually realised in the last few hours just how special and amazing this friendship is . Yes i knew right from the beginning that this was a good thing but it wasn't until we disagreed on certain issues and argued that I now believe 100% that this is forever. You know you have a good thing when you can argue and be fine the next day, that no matter what happens you will get through it. and i am amazed that having an argument has made me realise that the friendship is true and that i need to not test it and go with it.  I always steer clear of confrontation I back down and give in and say yep you're right even if I think you're not. I do not have the heart or mindset to fight people because fighting ends badly and people walk out telling someone they were right was always far easier than fighting them. Because even when I try to fight or argue I lose out and they walk away so why bother ?  . However this time it was different because I wasn't going to lose out I wasn't going to let her walk away I have grabbed this person with both hands and ran! I'm keeping her.

So I guess what led me to want to write this? A conversation we had today about loving people and feeling loved. I realised that people show their love in different ways and I know I will continue to struggle with this it's not something that's going to go away in a day. . Someone can tell you they love you but it doesn't mean they do. Someone can never tell you they love you but show you in other ways, this for me is hard to swallow because I've had to sit back and analyse certain people and it doesn't really make me feel any better. well that's a lie it does but it's not there i can't really see it especially in the people i thought loved me. but in this circumstance i do, and it's a good lesson to learn so i am thankful for that.

I am so thankful every single day and I realised today that we are in for the long haul we will go that extra mile and it's exciting knowing that life doesn't have to be done feeling lonely. yes i have an amazing husband, kids and foster family and i love them all madly but there was always something missing. my life was full on but there were far too many skeleton's in the closet and now they can come out, they can be talked about and laughed about and even fought about if it needs to happen. I just pray to the god's that i can be the friend she needs too, To me there's nothing more awesome than feeling needed and loved, I need to be loved it's how i will thrive and be able  to be the best i can be why? I can't answer that.. maybe it comes from being a kid and not feeling that loving vibe.

so to my friend I love you to the moon and back x a million!