At the moment there are so many thoughts going through this head of mine. I have trust issues and major body issues.
I haven't slept in weeks, I'm exhausted and I'm broken, damaged, confused and I don't quite know how to lift my head and move on.
As I sit here writing this my baby whom should be growing and moving around inside me is resting on my bed side table with a photo of my dearest friend guarding her.
right now I have so much to be thankful for, my kids my husband and my friends but why isn't this enough? is it that I am so blinded by the guilt and grief that all I see is the loss rather than what's right in front of me?
I don't know how much more of this I can handle, the empty feeling is killing me. But the missing the real me and the making others feel down and cautious around me is also hurting. How do I fix this? is there actually an answer? it's not as simple as telling me "stop feeling sorry for yourself" I don't feel sorry for myself I just hate myself. I hate what I have become. I worked so hard for so many years to build the confidence up and to be strong and not let people bring me down. I worked so hard to let my husband be able to touch me without clothes on and I worked hard to not cling to people but all that seems to have just been knocked down and now I'm right back at the beginning.
I just want my baby back. but I guess it comes down to what I want and what I get are two different things.
